Today, I'm deviating from my usual blog format. Instead, I want to share an excerpt from my book, 'Confessions: A Memoir of Hope for the Suffering.' Sometimes, it's valuable to revisit what's already been expressed rather than crafting something entirely new. What follows is my heartfelt reflection on the depths of my past, particularly my experience with anger and confusion. I hope my raw honesty serves as a source of support and encouragement for you.
.....One evening, after years of struggling with my anger, I hit a breaking point. I was alone; I threw myself to the floor, lying on the living room carpet, crying and pouring out my anger to God in a vehement prayer. Though I still didn't understand everything about my anger, I vividly remember that night I was particularly upset about sexual abuse. I kept asking God, "Why? Why! Why did You let this happen to me?"
God seemed unresponsive. The room was dark and quiet, and I kept weeping and crying out to Him for a long time. But after pouring out my anger to God for an hour, exhaustion overcame me, and I found myself lying on the floor quietly sobbing. Suddenly to my surprise, I heard God's voice within my heart. It was not a normal human voice, yet it was clear as day, and it softly resounded deep within me.
The voice said, “‘Why’ is not the question.”
God's voice within me took me aback. My faith was weak then, and I was not accustomed to hearing God. However, I knew without a doubt God had spoken to me. It was indeed someone else’s voice that was not mine. His simple statement resonated deeply within me, and I immediately stopped crying, sat up, and found the means to calm myself down.
As I sat in stillness before God, His words began to make sense. Perhaps I had been asking God the wrong question. With a clear mind and a lifted heart, I asked, "What am I supposed to do? What do You want, Lord?"
At that very moment, on my living room floor, I experienced an indescribable and profound transformation. Even now, I remain in awe, still trying to grasp how God worked His wonders. Words fail to capture the depth and magnitude of my experience, but without a doubt, the impossible became possible solely by God's might. Suddenly, I felt the mass of anger that had consumed me for so long literally pulled upward off of me as if lifted by a strong hand. A tremendous weight was removed from my chest and shoulders. A sense of lightness and peace enveloped me. As I inhaled, the air felt fresh, sweet, and crisp, unlike so many anxious breaths I had taken in the last few years. The anger that had held me captive vanished, and I felt like a renewed person. At that moment, I could feel God's immense love embracing me.
That night, I slept soundly and rested perfectly.
God seemed unresponsive. The room was dark and quiet, and I kept weeping and crying out to Him for a long time. But after pouring out my anger to God for an hour, exhaustion overcame me, and I found myself lying on the floor quietly sobbing. Suddenly to my surprise, I heard God's voice within my heart. It was not a normal human voice, yet it was clear as day, and it softly resounded deep within me.
The voice said, “‘Why’ is not the question.”
God's voice within me took me aback. My faith was weak then, and I was not accustomed to hearing God. However, I knew without a doubt God had spoken to me. It was indeed someone else’s voice that was not mine. His simple statement resonated deeply within me, and I immediately stopped crying, sat up, and found the means to calm myself down.
As I sat in stillness before God, His words began to make sense. Perhaps I had been asking God the wrong question. With a clear mind and a lifted heart, I asked, "What am I supposed to do? What do You want, Lord?"
At that very moment, on my living room floor, I experienced an indescribable and profound transformation. Even now, I remain in awe, still trying to grasp how God worked His wonders. Words fail to capture the depth and magnitude of my experience, but without a doubt, the impossible became possible solely by God's might. Suddenly, I felt the mass of anger that had consumed me for so long literally pulled upward off of me as if lifted by a strong hand. A tremendous weight was removed from my chest and shoulders. A sense of lightness and peace enveloped me. As I inhaled, the air felt fresh, sweet, and crisp, unlike so many anxious breaths I had taken in the last few years. The anger that had held me captive vanished, and I felt like a renewed person. At that moment, I could feel God's immense love embracing me.
That night, I slept soundly and rested perfectly.
GOD DOESN’T ALWAYS heal our sins this way.
God is infinitely wise. He often allows us to struggle with issues much longer, forcing us to depend on Him like never before. I certainly hope when you call out to God for forgiveness and cleansing, the Lord takes your struggle with sin away as He did with my anger. But if He doesn't, I pray you trust Him and believe He can and will heal you, whatever brings Christ the greatest honor.........
God is infinitely wise. He often allows us to struggle with issues much longer, forcing us to depend on Him like never before. I certainly hope when you call out to God for forgiveness and cleansing, the Lord takes your struggle with sin away as He did with my anger. But if He doesn't, I pray you trust Him and believe He can and will heal you, whatever brings Christ the greatest honor.........
